


Following Death

by Kukki90



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Dead People, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Halloween, Hallucinations, I See Dead People, M/M, Mental Illness, Other, Touring, psychologcial mind fuck., you're joking right?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-08 11:22:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16428434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kukki90/pseuds/Kukki90
Summary: A little piece of Halloween Fluff.





	1. Chapter 1

                His eyes closed, with his arms folded across his chest, Kyo tried to block out the droning sound of the manager for Dir En Grey and the studio executives, going through what was already routine information on the upcoming holiday tour schedule for Arche. He could never understand why the entire band had to be present, when the only person that honestly needed to be there was Kaoru.  Toshiya shifted in his seat, like a bored toddler made to sit on his spot in the circle. Shinya was like Kyo, almost ready to fall asleep, but out of deference to the assembled team, he kept his eyes open. Die was checking his fingernails, wondering if he had time to get another manicure and new polish before leaving on the tour.  

  There were ten lives scheduled for this particular tour, all within days of each other, nothing out of the ordinary for the veteran band, with the last live being scheduled for Christmas eve.  The group ended the session after three hours, with the band members nearly running, to get out of the confines of the stuffy conference room, Kyo just wanting to get home so he could pack.

                “I freaking hate these meetings, it’s the same shit every time, why can’t you just go alone Kao, management doesn’t really need us there.” Toshiya whined.

                Kaoru shrugged, “I don’t have a say on who attends and who doesn’t. Why do you whine about this every time?”

                Toshiya was hurt, “I don’t whine…do I?” There was a murmured ‘yes you do’. As each member went their separate ways, Kaoru reminding them what time to be at the studio, ready for departure. “Make sure you bring all of your shit this time, Die.” Kyo muttered.  “You always end up stealing my stuff.” Die flipped Kyo off, as he walked down the street to a waiting car parked in front of the studio.

 

                7am came early for Kyo, he had never been much of a morning person, his normal routine during tours was to be the first one on the bus and to head straight for his bunk and go back to sleep, this tour would be no different.

                Kaoru stood outside the bus, waiting for the others and having one last cigarette before they hit the road. “I assume Kyo is already in his bunk?” Toshiya asked as he walked up the bus stairs, “Yep, wrapped up in his little cocoon.”

                Shinya had been dropped off by his father, the drummer had spent the night at his parent’s house, so he could leave his two dogs, Miyu and Yuyu with them while he was gone. “Good morning, Kaoru.” The man said softly as he walked up the stairs. All that was holding them up was Die, which was the norm. Kaoru looked back towards the studio, seeing the same dark blue sedan parked behind the bus, with two people obviously kissing. “Bye, I’ll text you!”

                “Hey Kao…what’s up?” Die walked towards the bus, a definite swagger in his step. “Have fun last night Die?” The guitarist didn’t answer, a wide grin and a wink was all that Kaoru needed. With all members of the band accounted for, Kaoru was the last to board the bus, and they were on the road, it was a six-hour drive to the first venue.

 

                                                                                __

 

                “Kyo, we’re at the hotel.” Die gently shook the sleeping man’s shoulder. Kyo made a non-committal sound, reaching up to roughly rub his face. “Okay…I’m awake.”  The venue they were performing at that night was a familiar one, the concert capacity was just over two-thousand, with an [a knot] members area in the first five rows. The backstage area was roomy, with a large dressing area and lounge. The band had time to go to the hotel, shower and rest until they had to report to the venue. Kyo having slept the entire six hours, took time to walk around the hotel, looking in the gift shop for awhile, then making his way back to the room he was sharing with Die that night.

                Kyo could hear Die in the shower, the man was obsessed with being completely clean before a live, no matter if he had taken a shower that morning, he had to take one before getting dressed and heading to the venue.

                Kyo turned on the tv and proceeded to flip through the channels, until he found a nature program, it was just something to stare at and not have to think about what he was watching. His pre-live routine was to eat a decent meal, drink a lot of water and typically relax, he knew coming down from the high after performing, wreaked havoc on his body.

                His hair wrapped in a towel turban style, Die grins as he walks out in his boxers, “Hey, did you eat yet?” taking his hair out of the towel, rubbing it roughly.

                “No, do you want to go down to that diner on the corner?” Kyo didn’t really want to leave the room, but his band mates regularly accused him of being a hermit, making the effort to get out at least once during a tour. “Yah, sure…let me get dressed.” Die was always pleased when he could coax Kyo out.

                Walking to the diner together, Die kept up an almost one-sided conversation, telling the vocalist about the new girl he was dating. “She’s half American, her mom is Japanese, and her dad is from somewhere like Alabama or Arkansas…one of those A states.” Kyo pretended to be listening, making a soft comment here and there through Die’s monologue.  Being seated in the diner, and looking at the menu, the men ordered quickly, wanting to get in and get out in a relatively short amount of time.

                With plenty of time to spare, Die and Kyo got back to the hotel room, grabbed what they needed for the live, and went down to the lobby to wait for the others. Toshiya was muttering to himself as he walked towards Die and Kyo, “What’s wrong with you?” Kyo mumbled.

                Toshiya sighed, “Nothing that matters, just some jewelry I wanted to wear…that’s sitting in a freaking bowl on my kitchen table…so I wouldn’t forget it.” Die reached around and grabbed his back pack, unzipping a compartment, he then dumped it on the table in front of the chair he was sitting in.

                “Here,” Die spread the various items out on the table, “I brought extra… you can borrow it but you have to remember to give it back!” Much to the guitar player’s amusement, Toshiya squealed like a girl. “Oh! Die-chan… thank you!”

                Arriving at the venue, each member performed their usual routine; Kaoru speaking with the technical crew, Shinya checking that his drums were set up correctly, Kyo wandering around the venue while deep in thought, waiting for the sound check to start and everyone getting down to business.

                As the day grew longer, the band changed into what ever clothing they were wearing that night, Kyo having his makeup applied, thankful that his stylist was not a big talker, Die teasing his stylist as the man was ratting out the hair on the top of his head, “The higher the better.”  Shinya sitting in a corner with his tiny practice drum, tapping out riffs, and Toshiya still looking through Die’s jewelry.

                “Twenty minutes, gentlemen…twenty minutes.” The room grew quieter once the stage manager called out the time. Stretching, flailing arms back and forth, neck twists, and leg lunges, all in an attempt to warm up. Shinya had gone out to take a peak through the curtain at the crowd, it was a sold-out performance.

                Walking down the hall to the stairs of the stage, the band gathered in a circle, Kaoru going through his usual speech, and with a loud ‘YUS’, Dir En Grey took to the stage.

                Kyo was always last to take the stage, waiting until the opening strains of the intro were slowly winding down, then he mounted the stairs and walked across the stage, stepping into Un Deux as the first song.

                The electric personality that was Kyo on stage, could be felt all the way to the back of the venue, the surge to the front of the barrier had begun the moment the lights when down, the shouts and cries for each musician ringing loudly through the hall until the first strains of the song were heard, then there was silence. Kyo moved around the stage…stalking the sound, screaming its message, he moves to the riser, jumping up and howling into his mic.

                The stage lights illuminated the first few rows of the crowded floor, Kyo’s arms are stretched out, baring his soul through his words, the remaining notes drift off and the crowd cheers. Kyo turns to jump off the riser, as he walked back to grab a water bottle, as he turned a flash of radiant white from the crowd catches the corner of his eye, turning to see what it was…he stopped in his tracks.

                A small waif like boy, maybe five feet tall and very young, with the palest skin and the whitest hair he’d ever seen on anyone, was staring intently at Kyo, not moving, ignoring everything around him, just standing stock still…his eyes trained on Kyo.

                The boy was wearing a Dir En Grey tank top, showing his too thin shoulders, a blue checked flannel tied around his waist. His eyes are ringed in red eye shadow, his lips a pale blue color, the expression on his face is unreadable. Before Kyo could do anything…what could he do, the music started and Kyo was thrown into the next song, but his eyes kept coming back to the boy.

                The boy’s unending stare started to unnerve Kyo… he couldn’t let it affect his performance…although it was tough to ignore him, the boy’s paleness stood out like a beacon, bright white against the darkness surrounding him.

                Throughout the seventeen-song set list, Kyo tried his damnest not to look at the young boy. Walking quickly off the stage and down the stairs, Kyo doesn’t look back. “Fuck,” he growled as he grabbed a towel and a bottle of water, starting to pace the room, rubbing the back of his neck roughly with the towel.

                “Damn! That felt great!” Die stumbles into the room, flopping down on the nearest couch. Shinya slips into the room almost unnoticed, followed by Toshiya and Kaoru, who looked at Kyo. “What’s wrong?” he reached out to touch the man on the shoulder, Kyo shrugging it off sharply.

                “Nothing… how long do we have?” Kaoru looked at the clock, “About fifteen minutes, why?” The fact that Kaoru was watching his vocalist closely, had just dawned on the others, Die’s gaze going back and forth between the two. “Is there something wrong?”

                Kyo ignores everyone, sitting down on a chair, resting his elbows on his knees, he drapes the towel over his head, effectively hiding his eyes. _Who is that boy and why the hell was he staring at me? He must be a fan club member, he’s in the second row…I never remember seeing him at any live_ …

                The fifteen minutes were over faster than Kyo realized, the stage manager calling them back for their encore. Kyo waited at the bottom of the stairs, he would try not to look at the boy, just get through the encore and then get the hell back to the hotel.

                Slowly climbing the stairs, he stopped at the last one, peering around the corner…the boy was gone. Instant relief washed over Kyo’s body, his vision started to swim…wavering just enough to make him dizzy. Grabbing the handrail, Kyo drags himself up and onto the stage, delivering the last five songs as he always did, singing his heart out and thanking the fans.

                Die had been watching Kyo carefully during the encore, not noticing anything out of the ordinary, but there had been his attitude in the dressing room during the break. There was nothing notable about the ride to the hotel, Kyo was quiet as he usually was after a live, and he took his shower first when they got back to the room.

                “Hey, are you okay? You seem a little out of it.” Die asked as Kyo came out of the bathroom. “Yah, I’m fine…first show and you know, the energy level is always the highest, go ahead, the bathroom’s yours.” Kyo muttered as he blew off Die’s concerns.

                Kyo had ordered room service, which had been delivered before Die had gotten out of the shower. Kyo had a strict routine that he followed while on tour, changing that because of some weird kid, wasn’t an option. Once Die was done with his shower, Kyo took his turn in the bathroom. “The food should be here in a minute.” he informed Die.

                Standing in the shower, he turned the temperature up as hot as he could stand it, trying to wash away the grime of the make up and the sweat of the stage. What wouldn’t be washed away was the vision of the pale boy…his constant tracking of every move Kyo made, but why? Why was the boy watching him so intently?

                After his shower, Kyo sat silently as he ate, watching whatever program Die had found on the TV, trying to empty his mind of the visions, but failing to do so.

“I’m done…I’ll set this outside.” Die got up and collected the plates, putting them back on the tray and setting it outside the door. “Do you want me to wake you or do you want to use an alarm?” Die turned off the tv, moving the pillows around on his bed. “Um, just wake me up, I don’t think we have to leave too early.” With an oyasumi, Die reached over and turned off the light.

                _He’s singing but the words are coming out wrong, what song is this? Obscure or Cage? The words are wrong. The boy is reaching out for him, there’s something on his face I can’t see what it is, he’s saying something…what? Kyo walks closer to the edge of the stage, the boy is calling to him, reaching for him…what is it? Tell me your name! Wait, why are you crying? The tears, they’re red…no it’s blood…not tears. The boy is crying, mouthing ‘I’m sorry’, Kyo can’t look at him anymore, he turns and walks away, the boy is still reaching for him_.

               

                                                                                __

 

                Kyo was the last one to come down to the lobby the next morning. Die had tried to wake him up at the pre-arranged time, but Kyo begged Die, “Just let me sleep please.” Die frowned, this was out of character for his friend. “Sure…we have about twenty minutes before we have to be downstairs.” 

                “Let’s go.” Kyo mumbled as he walked towards the bus, the others glanced at Die, who shook his head and shrugged as he followed Kyo as they got on the bus. Pulling away from the hotel, it was a three-hour drive to the next venue, this would be a quick in and out performance, with the band driving through the night to the next venue.

                Kyo sat next to Shinya for a bit, then mumbled something about a headache and went back to his bunk, pulling the curtain closed.  Die looked at Kaoru, “What’s going on with him?”

“I’m not sure, he was pretty quiet last night.” Die moved to sit with Shinya. “Did he say anything to you?” Shinya just shook his head. Die let the matter drop…for now.

                Kyo peered through the curtains at the first few rows of the venue, the crowd had already been let in, the [a knot] section already full…but no white-haired boy, Kyo breathed easier, maybe last night had just been a freak occurrence. Walking back to the dressing room, Kyo sat in a make up chair and waited for the stylist, who was busy laying out her tools and makeup. The noise level in the room was peppered with voices from the members of the band, the crew, who were shouting at each other in an effort to get things ready in the short time they were allotted, Toshiya was flying his stupid drone again, laughing as it crashed into the back of one of the technical crew.

                The stylist tapped Kyo on the shoulder, signaling that she was done, he thanked her for her hard work and then moved off to a corner to meditate and focus, humming and warming up his voice. He could feel Die and Shinya’s eyes burning holes in his back, the two men were concerned…it was obvious to Kyo that they knew something was amiss.

                The intro started and the band made their way to the stairs; Shinya, Die, Toshiya, Kaoru. Waiting for the intro to end, the last strains fading out, Kyo slowly climbed the stairs, pausing at the top. Without looking at the crowd and ignoring the cheers, Kyo purposefully walks to Shinya’s drum riser and picks up his mic.

                Kyo looks out into the crowd, his breath catching in his throat; the boy is where he was the night before, different venue, same spot, same vacant stare at Kyo, his eyes moving with the man. Kyo’s tactic changes, tonight he would reach out to the boy…get some sort of response from him. Kyo attacks the songs, making eye contact and singing only to the boy, the crowd is unaware, they believe that the vocalist is singing to all of them.

                Kyo still prowls the stage, moving from his riser, to the floor, walking closer to Die, Toshiya standing at the edge of the stage asking for a reaction from the fans. Shinya for his part, was watching Kyo when he could…which was not often enough. The drummer couldn’t see what the vocalist was looking at, but there was something different about his performance that night.

                The young boy’s expression did not change while Kyo sang to him, the crowd around him moved yet he didn’t seem to be affected by it, as if a barrier was around him. There was no putting his arm out to balance himself, no leaning forward if someone pushed from behind. The boy was immobile throughout the entire set.

                At the end of the seventy-five minutes, the band left the stage, knowing they had one encore. Kyo repeated what he had done the night before, walked to a chair in a corner, his elbows on his knees and covered his head with a towel, his mind racing with questions about the boy, why did the boy not respond to him?

                “Kyo, can I help?” Shinya’s soft voice and gentle hand patted his friend on the shoulder. “I don’t know Shin.” He muttered from under the towel. “Okay, let me know if you need me.” Shinya moved away. Kyo rubbed his face, smearing the make up, but he didn’t care, he had to see if the boy was still in the crowd, Kaoru, Die and Toshiya were watching their vocalist struggle with something.

                Walking out of the dressing room, ignoring the concerned looks from his bandmates, the vocalist made his way to the stage stairs, climbing to the second from the top, he peered out from behind the curtain, searching the spot where the boy was standing…he was gone.

                “Fuck!” Kyo turned and leaned against the handrail, breathing heavily…but relieved. Now he could concentrate on the music, with no distractions. He didn’t bother going back to the dressing room, standing instead in front of a large fan, cooling the sweat from his body.

                “It’s time gentlemen, let’s get this cranked up!” Manager-san is standing next to the stairs, patting each member on the back. Kyo is last to go up, he’s ready…there’s a renewed bounce to his step, he goes out to center stage, stands on his riser and starts to MC.

                Calling out for the men, the women…asking them for their support…thanking them for theirs. Jumping down off the riser, the backing track for Child Prey begins. As soon as the chorus starts, Kyo turns to face the crowd, standing on the riser…the boy has returned, and Kyo’s voice falters. With Die and Toshiya growling into their mic’s, they are able to cover up Kyo’s mistake, but Kaoru moves towards Kyo…nudging him gently with his shoulder.

                Kyo finishes the song, but not before the fans notice that something is off, there’s something or someone that Kyo sees in the crowd, someone that he’s been watching since the start of the live. Several of the fan club members start to look around them, but they see nothing out of the ordinary, but Kyo’s gaze is dead center, right in front of his riser.

                The opening to The Final starts, Kyo is looking anywhere he can, anywhere he doesn’t see the boy. Stage left, right, balcony, Die, Shinya…stand behind Toshiya…anywhere to get out of the sight of that boy! After the last note of The Final is sung, Kyo throws down his mic and races off stage, almost falling down the stairs, crew members stumbling to get out of his way.

                “KYO! WAIT!” Kaoru yells at his vocalist as the man runs down the long hallway. Turning a corner, Kyo slams into a crew member knocking him to the floor, he mumbles an apology as he runs into a bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him.

                Kaoru goes into the dressing area, “Where’s Kyo?” Nobody says anything, they haven’t seen him. “Ano…he um, he’s in the bathroom. He came tearing around the corner and knocked me down, then ran into the bathroom and locked the door.” The uninjured crew member tells Kaoru.

                At that point, the rest of the band has returned to the dressing area, “What the hell is going on? Where’s Kyo?” Die ran up to Kaoru, “I don’t know, but Kyo’s locked himself in a bathroom.” 

                Shinya patted Kaoru on the shoulder, “Let me go talk to him.” The gentle soul had a close connection with the vocalist, both solitary men that felt uncomfortable in their own skin at times.

                Shinya tapped on the bathroom door, “Kyo…let me in please.” He waited for a moment. “Kyo? It’s Shin…you’re scaring the others, let me in so I can help.” A second later, the lock on the door clicked, Shinya slowly opened the door, then locked it behind him, not wanting any interruptions.

                “Shin…someone’s fucking with me, a fan…he’s stalking me!” Kyo was pacing the small bathroom, raking his hair with his hands and chewing on his lip. “What do you mean a fan is stalking you…what fan Kyo?”

                Kyo’s eyes looked panicked. “He stands in the second row, just in front of my riser, he stares at me Shin… just stares at me with no expression on his face! He’s got really pale skin and fucking white hair!”

                Shinya frowned, he would remember seeing someone like that. “Why do you think this person is stalking you?”  Kyo started pacing again, “He was at that last live, then he showed up tonight! That’s a lot of miles to drive just to stand in front of me and stare. He doesn’t react to anything! I tried singing just to him…nothing, not a smile or a shake of the head, nothing! It’s like he can’t hear me or something!”

                “Maybe he is deaf, he doesn’t react because he can’t hear the music.” Shinya reasoned. Kyo stopped moving, “What?” The drummer approached his friend, “Maybe the boy _is_ deaf, Kyo. He may be able to feel the music, but not hear it…that may be why he doesn’t react to your singing to him.”

                Someone tapped on the door, “Um, is everything okay?” Shinya looked at Kyo who nodded, then turned and opened the door, “I think so, we’ll be out in just a moment.” Toshiya leaned and tried to look over Shinya’s shoulder to make a visual contact of Kyo. “Oh, okay…we’re all in the dressing room.” Toshiya blushed, then turned and walked away.

                “Are you okay now?”

                “I, I think so…I’m tired though. Just want to shower and get on the bus, I’ll be right out…can you bring me my bag please?” Kyo looked somewhat defeated, he wasn’t truly buying Shinya’s explanation about the boy, but he just wanted to sleep. “Yah, I’ll be right back.”  Shinya retrieved Kyo’s bag for him.

                Kaoru and the others waited for Shinya to return. “Okay, what’s going on?” Kaoru asked, Shinya then telling him what Kyo had said. “Boy with white hair? In the front?” Die frowned, he didn’t remember seeing anyone like that…Kaoru said the same. “I don’t think I saw anyone like that, Shin…is he maybe just overly tired?”

                Before Shinya could answer, Kyo came into the room, “Sorry for um, freaking out. I’m just really tired, I um …I’m going to shower.” He mumbled as he gathered his things, “I’ll see you guys on the bus.” Kyo then turned and left the room, leaving four friends to wonder what exactly it was that was making Kyo tired.


	2. Chapter 2

                Laying in his bunk, Kyo is on the edge of sleep, lulled by the motion of the bus as it makes it way to the next live. There was no sound other than the hum of the tires, the other members of Dir En Grey having wound down, had made their way to their own small sleeping cubbies. Kyo was staring at a small spot on the top of his bunk, just a wavering crack in the material, but it gave Kyo something to focus on, anytime he closed his eyes, he saw the white-haired boy.

                Shinya’s explanation of why the boy was staring, the possibility that he was deaf was a theory Kyo wasn’t buying. Even if the boy was deaf, one would think he’d still smile and enjoy himself during the concert…not stand like a zombie.  Kyo’s body couldn’t handle the strain of trying to stay awake any longer, and the man finally drifted off to sleep.

                Die hated having to wake Kyo, “Hey buddy, we’re at the hotel.” He touched Kyo’s shoulder gently. “Hmm? Oh…okay, give me a minute.” Kyo’s eyes felt like they had lead weights trying to pull them closed, how easy it would be just to turn over and go back to sleep.

                Rolling out of his bunk, Kyo bent down to grab his bag, following the others into the hotel to wait for room assignments. Kyo was standing apart from the others, leaning against a wall and looking down at his feet. “You’re with me tonight Kyo.” Kaoru handed Kyo a room keycard. “Sure, yah okay.” Kyo mumbled, following the others to the elevator.

                “We have a late call tomorrow…well today really,” It was already almost 3 am, “We don’t have to be at the venue until 4, so rest up.”  They all split up, Die lucking out this round, with having a room to himself. Kyo followed silently behind Kaoru as they walked to their room.

                Without looking at Kyo, Kaoru put his bag on the bed, “Is there anything you need?”  Kyo grunted, “No, I just want to go back to sleep if you don’t mind.” Kaoru said nothing, watching as Kyo put on a pair of sleep pants, and crawling into the bed, pulling the covers up over his head, effectively blocking out all sensory distractions.

                Kaoru slid into his bed, turning on his side to watch the lump in the bed across from him, making sure there were no quivering blankets that would give away Kyo’s crying…all he saw was the gentle rise of deep sleep breathing.  Satisfied that the man was dead to the world, Kaoru turned off the light and lost himself in his own slumber.

 

                “Hey, I’m going downstairs to grab something to eat, do you want anything?” Kyo had gotten up before Kaoru, having showered and was now going in search of nourishment, as he poked Leader-san awake.

                Kaoru stretched, “No, I’ll be down in about twenty minutes.” He smiled at Kyo, the vocalist looked better than he had the night before. “Okay…I’ll make sure Die and Toshiya don’t wipe out the breakfast bar.” Kyo said with a smirk.

                Good, he’s smiling! That was the first smile Kaoru had seen on the man since the tour had started. Rushing through his shower, Kaoru got dressed and went down to the lobby of the hotel. He saw Toshiya outside, playing with his drone…again. “Freaking toddler.” Kaoru muttered.

                “Hey! Don’t hog all the damned rice, Kyo!” The sounds of a typical Dir En Grey tour breakfast brought a smile to Kaoru’s face.  “Don’t touch my damned rice Daisuke!”

                “OWW! Fuck Kyo! You stabbed me! That’s uncalled for, what if I can’t play tonight?” Die had his right hand cradled against his chest, looking at it then back at Kyo.

                “Uh, why are you stabbing Die?” Kaoru walked around the free breakfast table, choosing a pastry and tea.

                Kyo snorted, “He tried to take my rice.” Simplest answer. “So, I stabbed his hand with a chopstick.” Die walked up next to Kaoru, “See! It’s almost bleeding!” Die held his hand out.

                “Um, where is it almost bleeding, Die?”

                The rest of the morning continued as such; Die whining, Toshiya flying his drone until it landed in a fountain, effectively ruining it (much to the pleasure of the others), Shinya sitting in the lobby reading and Kyo taking a short walk.

 

                Kyo was the last to join the group on the bus to head to the venue. It was a late 8pm start live that night, smaller venue than normal and no [a knot] special seating. Kaoru had asked Shinya if he would watch Kyo, the man was still worried about his vocalist and this unseen boy.

                With everything complete, it was twenty minutes before they hit the stage, Shinya walking with Kyo to look at the crowd, no white-haired boy in sight. “Maybe he won’t come tonight, Kyo.” Shinya offered.

                Standing at the foot of the stairs, listening to the crowed chant Dir En Grey, the house lights when down and the intro music started, the men made their way onto the stage, waving as the fans cheered for their favorite. Kyo walked onto the stage, grabbing his mic off of Shinya’s drum riser…taking a deep breath he turned and walked to the front of the stage.

                He wasn’t there! Kyo quickly turned to Shinya and gave him a quick nod, as the live began. Energized to the point of creative insanity, Kyo performed better than he had in a long time, much to the amazement of both the crowd and the band.

                The weight fell from his shoulders, his voice rang through the venue, echoing and bouncing off the walls, the crowd sang along, cheered and fell silent. Everything felt right, felt perfect for Kyo, there was no weird kid staring at him. Every time he turned away from the crowd, then turned back and the boy wasn’t there, he felt exhilarated. 

                Kyo grinned as he walked down the stairs, heading to the dressing room for their break until the encore. Kaoru and Die running to catch up with him, “Damn Kyo…you were fucking amazing tonight! What the hell?” Die patted his vocalist on the back.

                “I dunno, it just felt really good tonight, maybe the 14 hours of sleep I got?” Kyo couldn’t tell them it was because the boy wasn’t there, they didn’t believe there was ever anyone to begin with.

                As they sat down, resting for the short fifteen minutes, Kyo’s stomach started to churn with anxiety, maybe the boy was late, or couldn’t get to the front? What if he was there for the encore?

                “NO!” he growled to himself…although the others heard the man, choosing to ignore it or at the very least not acknowledge it. With the stage manager calling for the encore, the band made their way back to the stairs, the house lights dimmed and the crowd screamed.

                Kyo took another deep breath, _please, please, please, don’t be here…go away_!

                Walking straight to Shinya’s drum riser to grab his mic, Kyo turned and walked to the edge of the stage, shading his eyes, the house lights when up, and he looked at the crowd. _HE’S NOT HERE_! He starts his MC, thanking everyone for loving Diru, for making their lives fuller with their passion.

                The opening for [KR] Cube starts, and Kyo lost himself again for the remainder of the live, reluctantly leaving at the end…waving to the crowd, as Die and Shinya threw swag to the crowd, Toshiya standing on Kyo’s riser, applauding the fans.

                The dressing room was busy with crew and well-wishers, members of the staff, all celebrating another successful live, Kyo was actually smiling and being sociable. Once the fans had left the building, the crew began the teardown of the stage and equipment, leaving the band to return to the hotel to shower.

                Kyo sat in the van with his arms crossed and his head tilted back, a self-satisfied grin on his face, breathing easier than he had all week. Kaoru held a short captive meeting on the way to the hotel.

                “We don’t play tomorrow night, so take advantage of the travel time and get some rest, rehydrate and relax. We leave here tomorrow morning at 8am, be downstairs and ready to go at 7:45 please.”

                Handing out room keys at the hotel, Die and Kyo rooming that night, they all but ran to their room, doing rock, paper, scissors for who showered first, with Die winning this time.

               

                _The white-haired boy has Kyo by the hand, urgently pulling him…where are you taking me? No! I don’t want to…Kyo can’t see where they are, it’s dark and it smells weird like wet leaves. The boy drops Kyo’s hand and walks away. WAIT! Where are you going? WHERE THE FUCK AM I? WAIT_!

 

                “Wait!” Kyo jerks upright in bed, his arm stretched out as if he were reaching for something. His cry startling Die out of a deep sleep, “Kyo!” Die clambers out of bed to sit next to Kyo, putting his hands on the smaller man’s shoulders, “Kyo! You’re dreaming wake up!”

                “Slowly Kyo turns and looks at Die, “Die...what…?” he starts to shake, “the boy was trying to take me somewhere, but he wouldn’t tell me, then he just walked away from me.” Sliding his arms around Kyo’s shoulders, Die drew him into his chest, Kyo reaching up and clutching at the back of Die’s shirt, as the guitarist rocked him slowly.

                “Hey, it’s okay…it was just a horrible dream, there’s no boy. Just you and me, in the hotel room, I’m not going to walk away from you.” Kyo’s entire body was shaking, the man quietly crying into Die’s shoulder.  “Will…will you hold me please Die?”

                “You don’t even have to ask.” Die pushed the covers back and slipped into bed with Kyo, pulling the covers up and Kyo snuggling into Die’s arms, the man kissing Kyo on the forehead. “You never have to ask me for this, you should know that by now.”  He felt a sigh of relief from Kyo as the vocalist clutched at Die’s t-shirt and slowly closed his eyes, as Die laid quietly wondering what the hell was happening.

 

                The morning dawned way too early for both Kyo and Die, neither man getting any decent rest. Kyo constantly moving around, whimpering and Die waking to comfort the disturbed man. There was a little embarrassment that morning, Kyo mumbling both his thanks and his apologies. “Sorry about that…not sure what the hell is going on.”

                Die squatted down next to the bed, reaching out he gently cupped Kyo’s face, “You never have to apologize to me…ever, you know how I feel.” Leaning in, Die kissed Kyo gently, “I’ve loved you for a long time, we know each other well enough to know that we are always there for each other. Period.”

                They had tried to be in a relationship with each other, for years it was on and off, one getting angry with the other over something stupid. In the end, they decided that being together wasn’t going to work if they wanted to remain friends and bandmates, but that did not mean that they didn’t still care deeply for each other.

                Kyo bumped his forehead against Die’s, “Thanks.” Standing up, Die reached down and ruffled Kyo’s hair, something that always pissed off the smaller man. “FUCK! You had to go and ruin the moment, didn’t you?” Kyo growled. “Yep.” Die walked away, a smirk on his face. “Meet you downstairs.”

                Kaoru was checking out at the front desk, Toshiya and Shinya waiting in the lobby, “Hey, where’s Kyo?” Toshiya peered around Die. “Um, he had a rough night, some pretty bad dreams, just don’t say anything to him, okay?”

                “What’s this about Kyo?” Kaoru walked up, but before Die could answer, Kyo stepped off the elevator, his bag in his hand. “I’m ready…let’s go.” Not even stopping, the vocalist continued out to the bus, leaving his band mates staring at his back.

                                                                                __

 

                Die had forced Kyo to sit next to him on the three-hour drive to the next venue, believing that if he could keep the man from isolating himself, perhaps the nightmares would end. Pestering the man to play cards, watch videos or just chat, had been challenging and largely unsuccessful, with Kyo finally growling at him, “Damn it Die, isn’t it enough that you’re forcing me to sit with you? Just stop already!”

                Die pouted, “I just wanted to hang out with you, no need to be so pissy.” Kyo recognized and understood Die’s over stimulating attempts to keep his attention, but he was just not that social. “I’m still sitting with you, aren’t I? This is all you’re getting.” Kyo huffed, his arms across his chest, Die gently bumped Kyo shoulder with his, flashing his big goofy grin.

                As much as any of the others, Kyo wanted to be rid of the nightmares that had plagued him for the last several nights, though Die holding him and sleeping with him, was a bonus, he really didn’t want to be that dependent on anyone.

                Kaoru cleared his throat, “This is a pretty straight forward live, a little earlier than we normally schedule, 6pm. There are showers at the venue and you’ll all have plenty of time to relax and if I remember correctly, this venue has some very nice food available for us. After we’re finished, we’ll go over to the hotel and have a late call in the morning.”

                Toshiya giggled, “Kao…you know we really don’t need this speech, right? It’s not like we’ve never played here before.”

                Kaoru frowned, “I’m leader-san…I have a certain responsibility to make sure you’re all informed, just drop it Totchi.” Toshiya stuck his tongue out at Kaoru. Shinya glanced over at Kyo, who had decided to ignore Die by pretending he was sleeping. Die had known the man for years, he knew what Kyo’s fake sleeping looked and sounded like.

                Pulling up to the venue, the band grabbed their bags and headed inside to the dressing rooms, glad to be out of the bus and to stretch their legs. Kyo dropped off his bag, and wandered down the hall towards the stage stairs. The stage was bustling with activity, crew laying cords and connecting amplifiers, the lighting technicians working at the sound booth.

                Kyo’s riser was already in place at the front of the stage, the man stepping up onto it, and looking out at the barrier and beyond, trying to gage distance. “Hey, what’s up?” Die asked softly as he walked up behind Kyo.

                “Nothing, just looking around, see how far there is between here and the barriers.” Kyo answered as if this was part of his normal routine, which it wasn’t. “Oh, okay, well they’ve brought the food if you’re hungry.” Die turned and went back down the stairs to the dressing rooms, Kyo following a few minutes later.

                The live didn’t start for another three hours, giving everyone time to unwind, shower and grab an early snack. Somehow Toshiya had repaired his drone after it had fallen into a fountain, and was now flying it up and down the hall way, with many a near hit on an unsuspecting crew member, still giggling like a little boy.

                Kyo was lying on a couch, his back towards the others in the room, trying to take a nap, but mostly just listening to the sounds around him. He was worried about the performance that night…and if he admitted to himself, he would say he was honestly scared. The visions of the boy standing stock still staring at him, had become more than just creepy, he was now truly worried about being stalked.

                How this tiny young man could be a threat baffled Kyo. Considering this was Japan and not America, where guns were readily available, to what threat the boy was, he couldn’t figure out. His biggest fear? That when the others have said that they couldn’t see the boy…was he hallucinating? Was this the onset of paranoid schizophrenia? This is what truly scared him.

               

                The call for the band members to dress and be ready for makeup came, Kyo deciding that he’d have a single beer before going on that night. Kyo was not a drinker by any means, but tonight for some odd reason, he felt the need. His stylist tapped him on the shoulder, “Arigato.” Kyo stood up and checked his image in the mirror, satisfied with the look.

                Kaoru approached Kyo, who groaned inwardly…he knew what was coming. “How are you feeling tonight?” Kao placed his hand on Kyo’s shoulder. “I’m good, I think the beer actually helped with the butterflies.” He answered honestly.

                Kaoru nodded, then started walking towards the door, “Ten minutes gentlemen.” The stage manager called out. Walking towards the stage stairs, Kyo stomach started to twist, as the melody of the intro started. Die glanced over at Kyo, “It’s okay, don’t worry.” Kyo nodded, “Yah, I know.”

                Kyo stood at the top of the stairs, he’s looking down at his feet, waiting for the cue to walk on stage. Their manager patted him on the back, “Kyo...you’re on.” With a deep breath, Kyo takes the stage to the roaring cheer of the crowd. Tonight, they start with Rinkaku, Kyo turns slightly and looks at the crowd, scanning the first few rows behind the barrier, he’s safe, the boy’s not there.

                Picking up his mic, Kyo starts to move around the stage with no hesitation, dancing as he sings to the crowd, reaching out to the heavens, only to turn and growl as the devil. Jumping up on the riser, the crowd starts to cheer loudly, Kyo bending to their will.

                Going through the set list, Kyo becomes more empowered with each song, his confidence rising with each chord, with his bandmates watching him out of the corner of their eyes.

                Dir En Grey was coming to the close of the live, with only four songs remaining on the set list, the intro for The Cause of Fickleness started, Kyo was grabbing a quick sip from a water bottle, as he turned to go back to the front of the stage, a glare caught his attention, off to the side near Die, the boy… standing about five rows back.

                Kyo wasn’t singing, his hands were at his sides, he dropped the mic and crept closer to Die, he was staring down the boy.

                “DIE! LOOK!” Kyo screamed at his guitarist, grabbing his arm and dragging him to the edge of the stage, “DON’T YOU SEE HIM! HE’S RIGHT THERE!” Kyo is pointing at the boy, as he digs his nails into Die’s arm. “Kyo! There’s nothing there!”      

                Kyo whipped around, running over to Toshiya, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him towards Die. “HE’S RIGHT THERE TOTCHI! LOOK!” At that point, Kaoru had put his guitar down, trotting over to where Die and Toshiya were with Kyo.

                Kaoru tried to put his hand on the vocalist shoulder, “Kyo there’s nobody there, come on…let’s go to the dressing room.” As Kaoru tried to lead Kyo towards the stairs, the small man tore out of his grip, “HE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE! WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? KEEP AWAY FROM ME FREAK!” Kyo screams at the boy,

                The fans are looking around, trying to figure out who Kyo is pointing at, what boy? Kyo backs away from Kaoru, nobody believes him…why can’t they…?

                Backing away from Die and Toshiya, Kyo whips around and runs for the stairs, jumping from the top step and running down the hallway and out a side door. Back on stage, the others were putting down their instruments while management came over the PA and asked for understanding, that Kyo had fallen ill, that there would be more information on the fan club website the next day.

                “Where is he?” Die ran into the dressing room, “Who?” a crew member asks, “Kyo! Something’s wrong, he sick…where is he?” The crew member shrugged, they hadn’t seen Kyo. “Shit!”

                Once Kyo got outside, he skidded to a halt and sagged against a wall, his breath coming in ragged gasps. He sees the tour bus at the end of the parking lot, he shoves himself off the wall and runs.

                Pushing the doors open, Kyo moves to the back of the bus, climbing into his bunk and pulling the curtains shut and covering himself with a blanket, “He can’t find me… he won’t be allowed on the bus, it’s for band members!” He’s crying, but he can’t feel the tears, only the burning stare of the boy with the white hair.


	3. Chapter 3

 

                “He’s on the bus in his bunk…driver say’s he can hear him crying.” The driver had gone to the bus to start it and get it ready to go back to the hotel. Hearing a noise from the rear, he carefully peeked through the curtain of Kyo’s bunk, then immediately went into the venue, finding Kaoru.

                Die was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, “What do we do now? He can’t perform like this…he needs to go to the hospital or something!”

                Die was scared, he’d never seen the vocalist in such turmoil before, even in his worse depression, he was never hysterical to the point of hallucinations.

                Kaoru wasn’t so sure they could get the man to agree to go to a hospital, let alone talk to a psychiatrist. “Let’s go talk to him, at least get him to the hotel then we can decide what to do.”

                Boarding the bus, Die walks back to Kyo’s bunk, pushing the curtains aside, he crawls in next to the smaller man. “Kyo, you need to see a doctor, like tonight, let us take you to the hospital, you’re scaring everyone, especially me, please let me help you.” Die pleads with the vocalist, who is completely broken. Turning on his side to face Die, “Why can’t you see him Die? I don’t understand…he has white hair, he’s really pale and he’s just a kid, why can’t you guys see him?”

                Die’s heart is breaking, wrapping his arms around Kyo, he hugs him tightly to his chest, “I don’t know buddy, I have no answers for you. Please…let’s go to the hospital, maybe they have some medication to help you sleep.” Kyo whimpers then nods, “Okay.”

                Reassuring that he’d be right back, Die went to the front of the bus, “He’s agreed, so let’s find the nearest hospital.” The guitarist quickly walks back to Kyo’s bunk, climbing in once again.  

               

                Die looked back at Kyo, the man was now in a hospital bed, with an IV of basic fluids started, on top of everything, Kyo was severely dehydrated. Going out into the hall, Kaoru was speaking with the doctor, telling him of the event that night, and who they were as the doctor had no idea.

                “He only see’s this boy while performing?” The doctor was taking notes, “He’s had some pretty bad nightmares about the boy as well.” Die added, explaining what Kyo had told him about the dreams.

                Knocking on the door, the doctor approached Kyo. “Kyo, how are you feeling right now?” the doctor pulled a chair next to the bed. “I’m tired, but I usually am after a performance.” Kyo said with zero emotion in his voice.

                “Tell me about tonight’s concert.”

                Kyo shrugged, “It was great, until he showed up. He’s stalking me or something, he won’t ever say anything to me, he just stands there and stares at me.” Kyo started to shake.

                “Who is he, Kyo. Describe him to me.”

                “I guess he’s like maybe 15 or 16? He’s tiny, like skinny and god he’s so pale…his skin. His hair is white and he always has a Dir En Grey tank top on, and a blue flannel shirt around his waist. Um, he wears red eye shadow, and maybe like blue lipstick? All he does is stare at me, he never smiles, or dances … he just stares.”

                The doctor’s taking notes as Kyo talks. “Have you ever seen him before this tour? Could he be in your fan club?”

                Kyo shrugged, “Maybe…but I think if he was [a knot] I would remember seeing him, he stands out like a freaking white flame!”

                The doctor made more notes. “Kyo, I’m going to order a sedative for you, for tonight. Besides being dehydrated, you might be overly tired, low sodium and potassium as well. I’m going to talk to your friends and another doctor, but right now I just want you to rest, okay?” The doctor smiled softly at the small man, “Sure…that’s fine.” Kyo closed his eyes, if he could have one night that he didn’t wake up screaming, it would be worth the stay in the hospital.

                Before the others went back to the hotel, they each stopped in to say good night to Kyo, Die taking time to sit with him for a bit. “Kyo baby, you need to stop doing this! We’re not a couple anymore, it’s not like I can order you around.” Die teased.

                “You couldn’t order me around when we were a couple, dumbass.” This comment made Die smile, his little warumono was still there, all bristly even under sedation. “Hey, I’ll be back first thing in the morning, okay.” Die stood up and bent down to kiss Kyo, not on the forehead this time, but on the lips.

                “Maybe we should think about trying again…I love you, Kyo.” Die kissed the man again, then left the room. “Maybe we should.” Kyo whispered before the medications shoved him down into a dreamless slumber.

 

                “Can I get out of here now please?” Kyo growled at the nurse. “No, you can’t. And with that attitude, you’re not going anywhere soon anyways! Don’t try to scare me, Kyo. I know who you are…you don’t intimidate me in the least. Now shut up and take this pill nicely.” The nurse was middle-aged, but you could tell she’d been around the block a few times.

                “You’re a real bitch, you know that?” Kyo snapped. “Coming from you? That’s a compliment, thank you. Honestly though? It’s obvious that Die and the others are worried, they were here at 7am, looking like none of them slept much.”

                “They were here that early?” This surprised Kyo, they’d had a live last night, he wasn’t expecting them until much later. “Yep, Die looks like hell. Just do what the doctors tell you please, I want to be able to see Dir En Grey next time you come to town, ne?” Kyo blushed, “Sure…leave me your name and I’ll put you on the guest list.”

                A knock on the door announced Die and the others. “Hey…he’s awake.” Die smiled. The nurse bowed and left the room. “Thank god, she was brutal!” Kyo snorted.

               

                The doctor came in and talked with them as a group, giving Kyo some medication to help him sleep, believing that fatigue and dehydrations were causing most of the problems. He also suggested pulling back on the performances slightly, which received a snort from Die, “You don’t tell him to not go balls out when he performs, believe me…you don’t want to see how that ends.”

                With medication, a folder of literature to help him cope with the over exertion from touring, Kyo was discharged from the hospital. “We only had to cancel one live, but we still have the Christmas eve gig. I already posted on [a knot] that we would return after the new year and make up that live. Everyone is super supportive right now, don’t worry about anything.” Kaoru told Kyo.

                Getting on the bus, within twenty minutes they were on their way to the last venue for the Christmas Eve live, the following night, everyone in good spirits. Arriving at the hotel, they were greeted by staff and a large Christmas tree in the lobby. Grabbing a group dinner in the restaurant, they ended the evening, with Kyo and Die rooming again.

                Kyo was lying in bed, Die brushing out his hair, Kyo turned and looked at Die carefully. “Um, did you mean what you said in the hospital the other night?” Die stopped brushing his hair, “Yes, I did mean it, why?”

                Kyo thought for a moment, “Well, I um…I think I’d like to try… to be a couple again I mean.” Die started to brush his hair again. “Well, we’d have to set some ground rules, but I’m willing to give it a go. You know I’ve never stopped loving you, probably will always love you.”

                Kyo sat up in bed. “What about your new girlfriend? This is going to come as a shock, don’t you think?” Die snorted. “No, not really. She knows about us…I pretty much told her everything. She might not be happy about it, but it’s not like we’ve been dating for that long, only a few months.”

                This surprised Kyo, “But why did you tell her about us? If it’s a new girl…I would think that it would be something you may tell someone you’re going to marry or something.”

                Die didn’t say anything for awhile, standing up he came over and sat next to Kyo on the bed. “Because I’ve been thinking about it longer than just the other night.” He reached over and picked up Kyo’s hand. “Because truthfully, I’ve hated every minute of not being with you.”

                Kyo looked at Die in shock, “You…really? Why didn’t you say something sooner? We could have been together all this time!”

                Die laughed, “Um, if I remember correctly, a certain little warumono screamed at me the last time we had sex, about my not ‘being there’.” Die used air quotes. Kyo made a rude noise. “Well, you weren’t there…you were I don’t know, but you weren’t right there in the moment.”

                “Are we arguing about sex from like years ago? Because if we are I’d rath…” Die didn’t get to finish his sentence because Kyo had had enough, grabbing the man by the face and pulling him down for something that was just more than a friendly kiss.

 

                “Hmm, what’s with you two?” Kaoru looked at Die and Kyo as they rode down in the elevator. “What? Nothing…why do you ask?” Kyo snapped, Die covered his mouth with his hand. “Oh, right…never mind.” Kaoru looked down at the floor, a sly smile, he knew now exactly what was going on.

                Toshiya however was clueless, excited like a kid because it was Christmas Eve, and that they’d be home in the morning for the holiday. “What time do you think we’ll pull in?” He asked Kaoru, “Um, maybe two or three? Depends on how much we party after the live. I’d like to be home as soon as possible myself.”

                Shinya wanted to get home to pick up his dogs, he was spending Christmas Day with his family. “What about you two?” He could tell by looking at Kyo what had happened the night before, and he was genuinely pleased.

                “Um, I don’t really have any plans, probably just wake up and you know, hang out.” Die smirked. “Spend it with Kyo, just doing nothing.” Kyo was blushing, a rare feat for him, he abruptly stood up, “Fine, yes… Die and I are together again, if you have a problem with that, too fucking bad.” Sitting down he crossed his arms over his chest.

                Nobody said anything, there were nothing but gentle knowing smiles.

 

                Arriving at the venue, the band went through their regular pre-live routines, nobody was purposely watching Kyo, leaving that to Die, but everyone was on edge. For himself, Kyo was feeling confident. If the boy showed himself tonight, he would pointedly ignore him. He would not ruin his and Die’s reunion, nor anyone else’s Christmas, especially not the fans.

                “Twenty minutes gentlemen, twenty minutes.” The stage manager called out. Kyo was sitting in the make up chair, his stylist applying the finishing touches, and with an arigato, Kyo was ready. Making their way down the long hall to the stairs that led to the stage, there was a little back and forth banter, teasing Toshiya about what new toy he would receive and from who.

                The house lights went down and the intro music started, Shinya was first up, then Die and Toshiya, followed by Kaoru. Lastly Kyo, who stood at the top of the stairs, waiting for his cue. Stepping onto the stage, Kyo walked out with his arms raised as he moved to the drum riser to grab his mic.

                Walking towards Kaoru, Kyo stood in front of his guitarist and started a long walk across the stage, making eye contact with as many fans as he could, all the while waiting for the boy to suddenly stand out, a white light in a sea of dark.

                There was no boy.

                The other members saw that Kyo was relaxed, which led them to believe that the apparition of the boy must not be there. Die flashed a grin to Kaoru, and the live began. Seventy-five minutes of intensity of which Dir En Grey had not seen from their vocalist in some time, Kyo was in rare form.

               

                The encore was over, Toshiya and Die were throwing picks, Shinya threw out several sets of drumsticks and Kaoru was throwing t-shirts, Kyo standing on the riser applauding the fans. With the last of the swag thrown out, the Christmas Eve Dir En Grey live ended.

                The backstage area was bustling with activity, between shouts of ‘great job’ and ‘Merry Christmas,’ the noise level was a little higher than normal. After chugging several water bottles, the beers came out, and a bottle of champagne for the band, with Kyo taking a glass to toast with. Die had his arm around Kyo, randomly kissing the man’s head, but not in ‘that’ way, as not to lead anyone that already didn’t know to any suggestive conclusions.

                Kyo had been sitting on the couch with a beer, when nature called, and without informing anyone (he didn’t really need to, did he?) he wandered off to the bathroom. Just as he exited the bathroom, he caught a flash of pale white going around a corner. NO! It couldn’t be!

                Kyo trotted after who he thought was the boy, “Hey, wait!” He called out as the flash disappeared around a corner, weaving its way through the back halls of the venue and out a side door, Kyo trying to catch up.

                Outside Kyo finally could see it was the boy, “Hey wait a minute! I need to talk to you!” Kyo ran up to the boy, “What’s your name? Hey kid, turn around and talk to me!” The boy ignored Kyo’s request, walking with some purpose down a street behind the venue, Kyo kept following the boy.

                “Hey, where’s Kyo?” Die looked around the room, “Shin…did you see where he went?”  Kaoru heard Die’s voice starting to get a little tense. “Um, no…I didn’t. He was sitting on the couch, maybe he’s in the bathroom?” Die walked out and went to check the bathroom, nobody overly concerned at that moment.

                “He’s not there!” Die stood in the doorway to the dressing room, his hands on the door jam. “Could he be in the bus?” Toshiya offered. Before anyone could say anything else, Die raced out of the venue to the tour bus. Knocking on the door, the driver opened, “Is Kyo here?” The driver hadn’t seen him. “Shit!”

                Die was slowly slipping into panic mode, racing back into the venue, he ran down the hall and up to the stage entrance, “KYO?” He yelled. ‘FUCK!” Meeting the other members of the band in the hallway, “I can’t find him!”

                Their manager came in, “Okay, so he’s not in the venue and not in the bus, let’s just go walk around outside, see if maybe he’s just having a quiet moment to himself, ne?” Enlisting the crew and staff, everyone split up and started to walk around the venue, and checking the nearby shops and konbini’s. But there was no sight of Kyo.

               

                Kyo followed the boy as he walked through a hilly densely populated neighborhood, the boy was definitely leading him someplace specific. “Why won’t you talk to me? I want to know why you were stalking me! Please, just talk to me for a moment.”

                The boy stopped and turned to look at Kyo, the boy had tears running down his face, but was smiling. He held out his hand to Kyo, who reluctantly took it in his, it was cold…and Kyo could smell the wet leaves again. What the hell? The boy started pulling him down yet another street, silently smiling.

 

                It had now been two hours since Kyo went missing, and the band had brought in the police, and explained the recent events and that the man could possibly be having a mental breakdown. “We’re not sure where he might have gone… this isn’t a place that we are overly familiar with,” Kaoru explained.

                The police called in extra forces, the staff and management were still searching, Kaoru was willing to enlist the help of the fans, as they would be familiar with the neighborhood they were in.

                The boy was leading Kyo up a small dirt trail in a fairly dense forested area, away from the city lights, something that worried the vocalist. Was the boy somehow going to try to hurt him? Kyo was certain he could fend off the small waifish boy, he was so tiny, almost breakable in appearance. “Could we stop for a minute please?” The boy turned and smiled, dropping Kyo’s hand and continuing up the trail, leaving the man alone.

                “We need to call his family, Kao…we can’t find him. What if he decided to comm…” Die couldn’t say the words, but it had always been in the back of his mind, that one day his lover, his friend of over twenty years might succumb to the demons that he had dealt with most of his adult life.

                “I want to wait until we have something definitive before making any calls.” Kaoru cautioned. In his mind, he wouldn’t make any calls until they found a body, he had the same fears as Die and probably as the others. It had been four hours since Kyo disappeared.

 

                Kyo had caught up with the boy with the white hair, noticing that they were on the outside of gates to a cemetery, something that Kyo didn’t want to cross through. The boy was waiting, holding his hand out for Kyo, who once again reluctantly took it in his. The boy was walking with more urgency now, pulling Kyo along at a quicker pace, weaving through the family plots. “I…I uh don’t want… please, let’s go back.” Kyo pleaded, he was terrified of what he would see.

                The boy stopped and turned to Kyo and glared at him, frowning and placing a hand on his hip, Kyo might have seen a small foot stomp as well. “Fine, let’s go.” Climbing up another small hill, the boy let Kyo’s hand drop, as he slowly moved up to a specific grave, standing in front of it.

                Kyo walked slowly towards the boy, standing next to him at the grave. What he saw brought tears to his eyes. A picture of a young boy, wearing a Dir En Grey tank top, smiling and holding a Dir En Grey towel over his head. His name was Hiro. On the grave were small memento’s, Kyo squatted down to look at each piece. A tiny DEG badge, a DEG concert ticket stub in a plastic bag, one of Toshiya’s pick, and a drumstick that belonged to Shinya.

                The boy squatted down next to Kyo, reaching out he tried to pick up the drum stick, but wasn’t able to grasp it. He put his hands in his lap and just looked at the swag on the cement stone.

                Kyo finally understood. “What happened to you? How did you die?” The boy looked at Kyo, tears sliding down his cheeks, he just shook his head. He couldn’t tell the vocalist how he died. Kyo sat down on the cold wet ground that smelled like wet leaves, the boy sitting next to him.

                “You loved our band, didn’t you? I can tell.” The boy nodded. “And I said those horrible things to you, god I’m a fucking asshole.” Hiro put his hand over Kyo’s and shook his head, he patted Kyo’s hand with his, reassuring the man he didn’t think he was an asshole.

                Kyo smiled through his tears, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” He suddenly felt very tired, and turned to lean against the grave stone, “You must have been in [a knot] right? Or you wouldn’t have stood in the front, you belonged there, didn’t you?” Hiro silently laughed, nodding his head.

                Closing his eyes, Kyo made Hiro a promise, “I’m going to find out about you, and I’m going to do something in your memory, would that be okay?” Hiro nodded.

 

                Five hours had gone by and still no Kyo, the police were baffled on how someone could just disappear in less than an hour, with no trace of where he had gone. Die was inconsolable, lying in his bunk in the bus sobbing, the others staring off into space, trying to comprehend what was happening.

                It was starting to get light outside, the bus had not moved and Kaoru had decided that they would stay at the venue until they got word that they had found Kyo, or his body. A staff member from the venue had come in with fresh coffee and pastries, letting the band know that everyone was still searching, and if they needed anything to please, just come and ask. Kaoru thanked them.

                It was close to 8 am when a staff member came running up to the bus, pounding on the door, “THEY FOUND KYO AND HE’S ALIVE!”  Die fell out of his bunk onto the floor, Toshiya got tangled up in his own legs trying to get up.

                “WHERE IS HE?” Die screamed, “They took him to the hospital, the police said they’d meet you there!” Giving the bus driver the address to the hospital, they were on their way in minutes.

                Die jumped out of the bus before it had even stopped moving, running into the emergency entrance, “KYO WHERE’S KYO?” he yelled at the desk nurse, who just pointed down a hall to where some policemen were gathered.

                “Where’s Kyo? Is he alright, what happened?” Die’s words came tumbling out of his mouth. “He’s fine, he’s in with the doctors right now.” A policewoman took Die by the hand and led him into a side room, Kaoru and the others right behind him.

                A middle-aged couple were in the room, sitting quietly. Die thought he was bothering the people so he bowed, but was taken aback when the approached him.

                “These folks found Kyo…he was sleeping on their son’s grave.” The policewoman explained to the group.

                “Kyo was… he was sleeping on a grave?” Kaoru didn’t quite understand it. The father stepped forward, bowing low. “Our son Hiro, was a huge Dir En Grey fan, he was on his way to a Christmas eve concert of yours a few years ago, he was hit by a truck and killed instantly.”

                Everyone’s face paled, “How…do I even want to ask?” Kaoru whispered. Hiro’s mother stepped forward, looking at Die. “Hiro was a member of your fan club, he never missed a concert, he would work odd jobs to pay for tickets and membership fees. He was 16 that year. We always go to his grave on Christmas morning, we did so today, when we found your singer. He was sleeping all curled up on the grave, but he was smiling.”

                Nobody said anything, they all stood around just trying to process the information, how would Kyo know…?

                “Please, I am serious when I say this; Your son has been coming to our lives this tour, he has been to three of our last concerts. We couldn’t see him but Kyo could! He kept telling us about a boy with white hair, that he was very pale and tiny, that he was staring at Kyo but not reacting to anything else.”

                Hiro’s mother took out her wallet, and took a picture out. The picture she showed them made them all gasp. “Oh my god…Kyo was right!” The picture showed a very small framed boy, with dyed white hair and very pale. “He was very proud of his hair, that he could get it that color and not damage it.” Hiro’s mother said with some pride.

                “Ma’am, I mean no disrespect, but I believe Hiro’s spirit has been attending our concerts!” Kaoru was amazed he even said that. Hiro’s mother laughed, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit…he was a dedicated fan. He loved Dir En Grey…he would have followed you anywhere.”

                Hiro’s parents made their excuses, and went home, leaving the band to go in and see Kyo, Die throwing himself over Kyo’s body. “Don’t ever fucking do that to me again, you little asshole.” Die mumbled into Kyo’s neck, Kyo wrapped his arms around his lover.

                Kyo explained what had happened, “It all makes sense now, Hiro wanted to see us again, he was sorry that he scared me…and you guys. He’s a really sweet kid.” They all looked at Kyo and started to chuckle. “A ghost is a sweet kid? Really Kyo?”

                After being checked over, Kyo was discharged and the band returned to the bus, and started to make their way home.

                “I want to do something in Hiro’s name, something to do with the fan club, or maybe a scholarship or something?” Kyo suggested to Kaoru. “Sure, we can look into it. I agree, we should do something to honor such a dedicated fan.”  Throughout the drive home, they all threw around suggestions on what they could do, with nothing finalized at that point.

                The bus dropped everyone off at the studio, Shinya’s father there to pick him up, Toshiya and Kaoru riding together, and Die’s girlfriend waiting. “What are you going to do about that?” Kyo asked, as he saw the car near the front of the building. “Wait right here.” Die walked over to the car and got in.

                Kyo stood against the wall, kicking his bag with his foot and decidedly not looking at the car. Ten minutes later, “Okay, thanks.” Die got out of the car and walked towards Kyo. “Well?”

                “She laughed, she said she had seen it coming…that we were going to get back together just by the way I always talked about you. She’s happy, not upset at all, she even said good luck to us.” Die did something then that was strictly prohibited, he picked Kyo up around the waist and twirled around.

                “DAMNIT DAISUKE YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!’ Kyo growled, “PUT ME DOWN ASSHOLE!” Die stopped twirling, ‘Not until you kiss me first and tell me you love me.”

                Kyo kissed Die on the nose and mumbled “I love you. Now put me down.” Die put Kyo down, but grabbed his hand, “Your place or mine?”  

 

  Toman of the jpop group XOX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strangely enough I based this entire story around Toman of XOX. I saw his picture awhile ago, and thought about  
> making a 'ghost' story. Not totally happy with how it turned out, but at least I finished it. 
> 
> Happy Halloween!


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